As I mentioned previously, there would be the occasional post about my mental state of mind. My anxiety does get the better of me at times and it has done more frequently over the last few years. Thank you global pandemic!
One major contributing factor is having high standards, even more so for myself. Yes, I set the bar high for myself, although to some extent too high. It probably started at school and continued university. I did not want to settle with getting by on the bare minimum, thus setting the tone and making people think that is your best. I wanted those marking to take note, almost blow their socks off and think that I am worth taking seriously. I put in the hours and never wanted to leave things to the last minute, when people were more than likely to make mistakes. And then the results came back and it was refreshing to know that all the hard work was worthwhile. But then came having to maintain that level of consistency and hard work...
The problem with high standards means that, to me, all mistakes feel at the same level. Those things that are simple, quick fixes, I will magnify them beyond belief, to the point that they could be seen from the International Space Station. I just feel as though easy mistakes should not be so easy to make, that they should not happen. I like routines and things to work like clockwork, to the extent that anybody can easily do it. Those easy mistakes can knock me off track/out of my stride. And that was a constant battle during my teacher training course, not anticipating certain pitfalls that would come up and it was difficult to recover afterwards.
During my teacher training course, there were moments when I would need to be self-reflective after each lesson I taught, focussing on "What went well" and "Even better if...". Each time, the "Even better if..." column vastly outweighed the other side. Even when I was observed by my subject mentors and the course leaders, when they asked for my feedback, I always seemed to start with the words, "It could have been better" and all the setbacks would still be on my mind. Mostly they would be stuff like behaviour, timing, appropriate activities and whether I was clear in my explanations. There were times when the lists of positives were non-existent; seriously, under "What went well", I did several time write "Nothing". As a result, I felt as though my placements were not the best experience and began doubting myself more and more. That coupled with COVID-19 and other unforeseen circumstances led me to withdraw from the course.
Consequently, I am sometimes in a constant state of worry. If you imagine that feeling of thinking that you have left the oven on when you are out of the house, it is like that 24/7. It is especially like that leaving work on a night. Have I locked the doors and set the alarm? Have I switched the lights off? Is everything that needs turning off turned off? It gets so bad sometimes that I will leave, get home and then have a sudden panic before going back to check. That seed of doubt is never a nice thing to have, always fearing than I have done something wrong and the worst case scenario for my actions.
I even have high standards in things that I usually enjoy in life, mainly hockey. I am currently playing in my 14th season and still after every training session or game I will scrutinise every little action that I do, mostly concentrating about the mistakes I have made and what I should have done. Did I make the right play? Could I have done better closing down the defender to win the ball back? Should I have done better with that shot? Am I too predictable with the plays I want to make? It feels like that sometimes. I always find myself apologising after anything that goes wrong, thinking that it is my fault and that I should have done better. At our last tournament, I gave away a silly penalty and the opposition scored whilst I was in the penalty box. It turned out to be the game-winning goal and I blamed myself for it afterwards. I will always take responsibility for what I do and feel the need to apologise afterwards, because I want to do what I can to help the team.
Yes, this idea of pushing myself beyond what I capable of does not sound healthy. In the words of Radiohead: - "I don't care if it hurts. I want to have control. I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul."
